Harry Potter and the Parody Of Sorts
by mercurial ira
Summary: A parody of all the clichés on Earth. And some beyond. Chapter 1; CharactersReadTheBooks!Cliché. Coming up soon; Super!Harry and the return of the Inferiority Complex!Author!
1. A Dramione Marriage Law

Harry Potter and the Parody Of Sorts

A parody of all the clichés on Earth. And some beyond us. (oooooh)

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. Happy now? *whimpers* Please don't sue. I wish I was JKR, but I'm really not. **_*sobs* _**

Update: 8/04/14: Added some more paragraphs so it's longer  
**"We didn't see that coming." say readers in sarcastic tone of voice  
**and a question at the end! I'm hoping this will be the format for the rest of my chapters.

Update: Added a poll on my profile! GO! NOW!

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Chapter 1: The Dramione Marriage Law(s)

AKA: _The author's way of fulfilling the ships that JKR destroyed (quite sensibly)_

Hermione, Ron and Harry were sitting on the Train, having returned to the castle to complete their seventh year.

It was an ordinary day, with The Golden Trio doing Golden Trio like things. Ron behaves like an idiot. Hermione acts smart. Harry acts moody/happy/in love depending on whether the badfic author likes him or not.

Often more than not, he is secretly in love with Ginny/Pansy/Daphne depending on the author's preferences.

"I wonder why we had fill out those "Marriage Law" forms?" says Ron in some very obvious foreshadowing since the author needs him to do something so it has some semblance to canon before he can disappear into thin air to reappear so he can be jealous of Draco/Draco's money/Hermione.

"Honestly, Ron!" Hermione screeches. "There's nothing! Honestly! It's not a Marriage Law! Honestly! Don't be an idiot! Honestly!" Says an irate and angry OOC Hermione whose curls are obviously less frizzy and maybe has got a whole badass new attitude. But sadly, that's a story for another time.

Because this author is getting bored, we skip ahead.

"Could the Seventh years remain behind please?" asks McGonagall/Dumbledore politely. To mark the occasion, even though he is dead, Dumbledore will have a sad twinkle in his eye.

Seventh years converse casually about something/FORESHADOWING TIME!

If it is FORESHADOWING! the conversation will continue something like this:

"Hermione? Earth to Hermione?!"  
"Oh yes, sorry Ron, I was just looking at Malfoy's ey- the ferret. I was looking at the ferret."  
"He's staring at us. He's evil!"  
"He's the _Malfunction!_"

Two love-dovey stares later, McGonagall has returned, and so has YouAreInferiorToMe!Draco and HalfwayNormal!Hermione.

"As you may already know, the Ministry have established a Marriage Law despite it being highly inappropriate and a violation of Human Rights. Predictably, the Great Hall is in uproar.

Readers think at this point that something they have done portrays them as idiots. Why else would people read a story like this which includes a basic violation of Human Rights and sometimes (gulps) _SLASH?!_  
_Younger readers run away. _Back to the topic.  
They go into flashback of all the stupid things they have done. "Sure, let's do the Knife Song!"  
Readers shudder and begin reading again.

Skipping forward...

"Harry James Potter, you are to be married to Ginevra Molly Weasley."

**"We didn't see that coming." say readers in sarcastic tone of voice.**

"Hermione Jean Granger, you are to be married to Draco Abraxas Malfoy."

Readers are shocked Author has read books.

At this point, readers will have realised Ron was not married and make a shocking discovery!

_THE TEEN AUTHOR MOST LIKELY HATES RON BECAUSE DRAMIONE BETTER 'CAUSE IT HAS TOM FELTON!_

_**"**_**We didn't see that coming." say readers in sarcastic tone of voice.**

Another Predictable Uproar later, Hermione and Draco are looking at their new living quarters.

"Personally, I prefer Oak for our cupboards."  
"That's my favourite wood too!"

Dirty minded readers snort.

"What colour theme should we have for the wedding?"  
"I like teal and white."  
"Me too!"

Their conversation continueslike this until for some inevitable reason, they almost end up kissing.

**"We didn't see that coming." say readers in sarcastic tone of voice.**

Draco's thought sequence sounds something like this: "I can't kiss Herm- I mean, Granger. Oh no, what's wrong with me, I almost called the Mudblood Hermione! Even though her cinnamon eyes are beautiful and there's nothing stopping me, I will not fall in love for whatever reason the badfic author wants! ANGST! ANGST! ANGST! ANGST! ANGST! ANGST!"

Readers wonder about Draco's sexuality.

Meanwhile, in the room next door, Hermione does the same as Draco with a few words changed.

"I can't kiss Dra- I mean, Malfoy. Oh no, what's wrong with me, I almost called the ferret Draco! Even though his silver eyes are handsome and there's nothing stopping me, I will not fall in love for whatever reason the badfic author wants! ANGST! ANGST! ANGST! ANGST! ANGST! ANGST!"

Life goes on this way.

One kiss, two shopping trips and an angry Ron/Harry later, Hermione and Draco are in love. Happy Ever After, etc.

Actually, no, let's watch the Jealous!Ron scene.

"Hermione, why are you talking to the ferret?"  
"I love him, Ron. Even though even the princesses in Frozen know you don't marry a person you've just met and you're being more smart than me at the moment!"  
"No, Hermione, you're being an idiot."

Hermione sobs/Draco punches Ron and now they can be in love in peace.

**"We didn't see that coming." say readers in sarcastic tone of voice.**

Until the badfic author grows up and deletes the story.

Or, even better, Voldemort shows up for an inexplicable reason and kills FluffyandRomantic!Draco and Hormonal!Hermione!

**"We _actually_ didn't see that coming!" say readers in non-sarcastic tone of voice.**

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My first chapter done. I'll be back.

Virtual cookies for all reviewers!

Question: For a parody, would you like SnapeLily or HarryHermione?

Update: Edited since it really should have been longer.

Next time on the Parody of Sorts:

_It was their fifth year of Hogwarts. One day, Umbridge somehow managed to get her hands a set of books named the **Harry Potter series**. _


	2. The Books Cliché

Harry Potter and the Parody Of Sorts!

**IT'S A PARODY. DEAL WITH IT.**

_Not that anyone complained, I just felt like saying that._

_AN: Did you know fandom stands for __**Fan**__**Dom**__ain. Of course you did. However, I'm prepared to bet there's at least ten people who read the __**Dom **__part VERY differently... Shut up, and stop monologuing. God, I need to get rid of that habit. My friends are bad influences. I know I'm talking to myself here, I just thought I'd inform... myself..._

_4 Reviews! I feel...special. Thank you to Bushwah, xXxLoneShadowsxXx, Red Furry Demon and Ihateseatbelts. You can all have cookies. With marshmallows,_

Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter (Hint: I don't!) I sure as hell wouldn't be writing this now.

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_Chapter 2: PeopleReadTheBooksCliche!_

_AKA The Canon Lover's Paradise! (rarely does something deviate)_

It was their fifth year of Hogwarts and everyone was doing very different things.

Harry Potter was angsting about Cedric, his rubbish life, his friends, etc. As normal.

Ron was being Ron, depending on the badfic author's preferences.

Here, we have two possible outcomes.

1\. "GOD RON, WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID? I HATE YOU EVEN THOUGH WE'VE BEEN BEST FRIENDS FOR THREE YEARS! WHY DO YOU HAVE COMMITMENT ISSUES?!

Notice that if you change a few words, you will have the badfic author's last breakup/screaming fit/teenage angst tantrum.

2."I am shy and play quidditch. I may be "hot", depending on whether the badfic author likes me (Friend Ron vs Boyfriend Ron! Fight!). I like Hermione. The badfic author does not know how to characterize me."

Moving on.

Hermione was most likely reading Hogwarts: A History, since the author does not know how to characterize her either.

Since the author has the attention span of a goldfish, we move on. Again.

Umbridge was once again searching for ways to defame Harry Potter. This time however, she came across a particular set of books named the Harry Potter series. In a spectacular lapse of judgement, she immediately decides before reading it that it **obviously **going to help her in her quest despite this apparently having occurred about 7 trillion times already in other fanfics. She calls everyone to the Great Hall.

Umbridge begins reading.

"Mr and Mrs Dursley of Privet Drive..."

Since this author **does not want to break copyright, we assume you have read the books.  
**Gasps ensue when Harry is (not) mistreated. Snape immediately changes his thoughts on the boy and they become **BESTIES 4 EVA!111**  
"I can now see he is Lily's boy. I will now go and hug Gryffindors and take points off Slytherins." Softie!Snape leaves.

Let's move on, shall we?

Harry and Ginny snog when their characters get together.

Ron and Hermione snog and get together.

Draco and Astoria get together and transform.

Actually, let's talk about Astoria.

"You didn't deserve to be abused/bullied/killed by Voldemort. Draco, stop being a pansy." Rebel!Astoria says.

Pansy Parkinson looks offended.

Draco falls in love.

Rest of Hogwarts gasps.

**Here's what really happened.**

"Who are you?"

Ah yes, how the book came to arrive.

Harry from the future wrote it!

Next Generation brought it!

The Doctor brought it!

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_AN: I can't do this. I just can't._

_SAVE ME! _

_The badfic is chasing me!_

_It'll be longer next time, just got a bit of writer's block._

_Anyway..._

* * *

_Next time, on Harry Potter and the Parody of Sorts_

"Harry, you managed you create a universe!"

_Super!Harry returns._


	3. SNAPELILY INTERLUDE

AN: Please don't kill me.

Life happened. Joking, I was just lazy.

I've forgotten how to do this.

DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN HARRY POTTER, I SWEAR!

Here are some irrelevant lyrics to

Make me look like I know

What I'm doing

I'm so artistic

Lalalaala

~Unknown Artist that badfic author googled

It was a warm, wonderful day outside. Lily was strolling along, humming to herself about how charmed her life was, surrounded by birds, because the badfic author is really trying to shove the whole innocent angel thing right in your face for what comes next.

She performed a variant of the spell 'unlockus doorus', as the author has decided she needs to use SOME magic in this story, and waltzes right in. The author has forgotten how old Harry is, and accidentally makes him a five year old, because who needs continuity, right?

Since Harry is clearly a prodigy, but still must be adorable, so he immediately asks when she arrives home, 'Hello, mummy dearest, I hope you had a joyous time shopping for our weekly essentials.'

Readers are clearly confused by this point in time by how old he is.

'Where is your father? I must search for him for no other reason than moving the plot along faster!'

'I don't know, I'm five. I can totally stay in this house alone. Not like it's illegal or anything.'

At this point, the author must remind the readers who she is talking about, and therefore writes something about Lily 'tossing her long red mane of glowing locks' over her shoulder.

Lily goes to search for him, with Harry the five-year-old in tow. She checks in Diagon Alley for some reason that no one can think of. She enters the Leaky Cauldron and shock horror she finds James, snogging an irrevelant Order member. Since this is a badfic, it shall be Tonks, despite the fact she was a baby at this time. Upon seeing Lily's glowing red locks, James gasps, and does the equivalent of passing out. Tonks, however, since we must hate James for cheating on u– Lily, must be an absolutely horrible person, and therefore makes a snarky comment about Lily not being good enough.

'Um… Your mum is so fat that James left you. Yep. That's the reason.'

The author has now realised Harry is still here, along with the rest of the people in the Harry Potter universe, therefore makes them all dramatically gasp.

Lily runs out crying, completely forgetting about Harry until a later chapter where he will magically reappear using Prodigy!Powers.

At this point, she runs into Snape.

She stares up at his face, and suddenly realises what she has been missing her entire life.

The hooked nose, the greasy hair, the sallow skin, it suddenly looks beautiful to her, and she wants to do nothing more than mash their noses together in some form of snogging.

Of course, the author will insist on dragging this out, even making the genre Hurt/Comfort. They will inevitably abandon it at around five chapters long, because honestly, deciding whether Lily and her beautiful hair still have to die is difficult.

DRAMATIC PLOT TWIST TIME

One day, while looking way too closely at Harry's face, Lily, after thoughtfully tossing her red flowing locks over her shoulder, realises that Snape and Harry both have black hair and are smart. This is despite James being both those things too, but it doesn't matter because HE IS DEAD TO US NOW.

Now, Lily and her long flowing red mane come to the conclusion that Snape is Harry's son. She spends far too much time flip-flopping around about whether this is true or not. It is irritating.

However, since the author has decided that Angel!Lily cannot possibly ever cheat on DeadToUs!James, because she is perfect, there must be some other explanation for this turn of events.

The author has two choices here; does she invent PowerOfLove!GeneSplicing or does she use a 'meh, it's magic' explanation?

But since this is a very difficult decision, the author will probably abandon the fic.

BONUS SCENE

SNAPE LILY AWKWARD ROMANTIC SCENE TIME

'Snapey darling, I'm so glad we could have this time together.'

Snape looks at her adoringly, because this has now become in character for him.

He looks at her almond shaped green eyes, because this is the only description the author actually remembers about Lily other than the fact she is a red head, and sighs deeply.

'Snapey dearest, you look sad.'

He smiles wistfully into the distance, and replies.

'I'm thinking about our future together.'

SKIPS FORWARD BECAUSE AUTHOR CAN'T BE BOTHERED

'Will you marry me?'

'Um, sure.'

THE END

AN: I feel old now, even though I am relatively young. Can't wait for Christmas. More importantly, what would you like in the next chapter? I'm open to all ideas right now, because I'm looking for any excuse not to do my work.

MARSHMALLOWS FOR ALL REVIEWERS!


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